Being Assertive!

Has there ever been a time where you were afraid to voice how you felt about something because you feared the unknown? Well, you are not alone. Communication is very complex and not being able to predict how a situation will play out causes many people to second guess themselves or shutdown. Within this blog we are going to discuss the different communication styles with a focus on how to be more assertive. Having an assertive communication style will assist in gaining more self-confidence, being able to voice wants/ needs without fear of repercussions, and setting clear boundaries. If that sounds interesting to you, keep reading! 

First we will define the different types of communication styles. 

1. Passive: Individuals who tend to be more passive are ones who do not feel comfortable speaking up. They will brush things under the rug for the sake of not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings or for not wanting to feel like they are a burden. Most of the times, these individuals will continuously let things build up until they reach a breaking point.

2. Aggressive: These individuals will not care about others thoughts and feelings and only put their thoughts and feelings first. At times, these individuals will not let others share their side of a situation as it does not matter to the aggressor.

3. Passive-Aggressive: A mix of the two just described. These individuals will not openly discuss what is wrong but will show they are upset. For example, will give one word answers, will slam doors, roll eyes, etc.

4. Assertive: Individuals who are assertive are able to communicate their side of a situation but also keep an open mind and hear the other person side and come to some type of agreement/ compromise.

You may have displayed all types of communication styles at one point in your life but the most effective one is assertive communication. Within this blog we will discuss different techniques to use to become more assertive. 

The first technique to be more assertive in conversations is to set clear boundaries. Let it be known to the other person what you are okay with and not okay with. At times this can be misconstrued as being “bossy” but if you are putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation for no reason other than not wanting to seem mean, in the end you are only hurting yourself. Setting a clear boundary with someone will not cause a conflict if you describe why you are doing so and do not make your tone condescending. The reason it is important to describe the reasoning behind setting the boundary is for the other person to have a clearer understanding and for you to remind yourself why you are setting the boundary in the first place. At times many people like to drop subtle hints in hope that the other person will catch on but unfortunately that is not always the case. In addition, tone is also something to pay more attention to. Tone is not something we can always be aware of ourselves but if you know you tend to have a certain tone/ attitude when talking, point it out (ex: I am sorry if that sounded snippy, I am just super frustrated by this situation). By pointing out your tone your acknowledging awareness and possibly defusing the other person’s need to become defensive. Below is a dialogue between two co-workers. One dialogue will set a clear boundary the other will not. 

No boundary dialogue: 

Coworker 1: Hey, I am super swamped with work do you think you can you can take on this extra project for me again like you did last week it was a huge help! 

Co-worker 2: (already swamped with own work): I am not sure, I have been pretty swamped myself. 

Co-worker 1: Oh please, you are such a hard worker! I know you can do it. 

Co-worker 2: Ok, yeah sure that is fine. I can do it for you. 

Co-worker 1: Thanks, you are the best! 

Boundary Dialogue: 

Co-worker 1: Hey, I am super swamped with work do you think you can you can take on this extra project for me again like you did last week it was a huge help! 

Co-worker 2: I am so sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed, I can relate.  Unfortunately, I cannot take on another project at this time with the workload I have. 

Co-worker 1: Yeah the workload lately has been causing me so much stress, are you sure you can’t do this project? 

Co-worker 2: Yeah, busy season is in full effect. If you’re feeling overwhelmed perhaps have a conversation with our boss and see if there is something that can be done? I can’t take on another project right now, I value our relationship but I am sorry if I was not helpful in any way. 

Co-worker 1: No, I understand. I will talk to the boss and go from there. Thanks! 

As you can see from the two dialogues above, the first demonstrated an individual who disregarded their own workload because they did not want to disappoint or cause a conflict between them and their co-worker. Whereas, in the second dialogue, the co-worker consistently stated they couldn’t take on another project, stated why, and empathized with how the other individual was feeling. 

Another way to be assertive is to change the verbs you use when making statements to make it more concrete. For instance, instead of saying words like “perhaps”, “might”, or “could” which suggest you may not be as confident in what you are saying you can change it to words such as “will”, “want”, or “chose to.” Below is an example of how changing the verb in the sentence changes the structure/ meaning of the sentence. 

“I might be going on vacation next week, so could someone cover my workload?” vs "I will be going on vacation next week, so I will need someone to cover my workload."

Concrete verb usage suggests more confidence in yourself, which is another way to be more assertive. If you are not confident in what you are asking for, what you are saying, or what you believe then it is difficult to be assertive. Don’t wait for someone to recognize what you need. Take the initiative, set your goals, and go after them. I know at times that can be easier said than done, but if you are constantly putting yourself last how can you get what you want? It is important to note that putting yourself first does not mean that your needs are more important than everyone else’s it means that they are equally important to everyone else. Once you see yourself as an equal rather than less than you will gain the confidence within yourself to communicate your needs more effectively. Most individuals struggle to be assertive in their communication because they may see themselves as less than or feel like they are an imposter in their own environment. We are our own worst critic, therefore it takes extra effort to build ourselves up but it is not impossible. Hype yourself up. Chose to be your own cheerleader and support. You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve to be treated with respect. 

These are just a few tools you can use to get started on your journey of becoming more assertive. If you feel like you struggle to communicate your emotions, opinions, and/or wants to individuals due to lack of self-confidence, fear of conflict, or lack of knowledge of how to set boundaries don’t worry as you are not alone. Counseling is a great tool that can help you build the confidence you need in order to take control of your life. Take the first step today and reach out. 

Written by: Daniella Raimondi, LPC

Binge Eating

The weather is becoming colder and the holidays are approaching which means stress levels can be increasing and mood can be decreasing, also known as the infamous “winter blues.” It is not uncommon for our moods to slightly decline considering the sun goes down around 4pm and the wind chill feels like -0 for months on end. Keeping this in mind, it is very easy to use food as way of comfort during these winter months. Many people have a love/ hate relationship with food. We need food for survival but there is a lot of controversy in terms of how much and what people should eat. If you find that you struggle to have a good relationship with food, this blog will give you some pointers to try out. It is important to note that a good relationship with food is being defined as being able to practice intuitive eating habits (listening to hunger cues) and not having an excessive amount of guilt after eating. 

People struggle with different forms of eating habits. In this particular blog we will discuss binge eating behaviors. A binge is defined as eating an excessive amount of food in one sitting until uncomfortably full (for example an entire gallon of ice cream and an entire family sized bag of chips etc). At times during a binge individuals will feel “out of control” and eat anything in sight. Binges can look different for different people and be caused by a variety of things, situations, people, etc. At times it is difficult to control the outside factors that may contribute to the trigger of the binge but the purpose of this blog is to gain a sense of control when there are thoughts of wanting to binge. 

When the thought of wanting to binge comes to mind, some people may think “there is no stopping once I have that thought” but with accountability and preventative measures in place there can be. Here are some tactics to use when it comes to binge eating behaviors that may be helpful.

1. Try to schedule out meals throughout the day. A general diet to follow is 3 meals 3 snacks a day. The more routine based and consistent your diet is the less likely you are to binge considering your body is not going without food all day. At times binges occur due an individual restricting food intake which causes the body to go into starvation mode, therefore when food is introduced it goes into crisis mode and feels like it needs to store as much as possible as it is not sure when it will get food next. Please consult with a dietician as to what calorie intake you should be at for your body type.

2. We all know it is cheaper to buy in bulk, so keep doing that as it is cost efficient. An added step is to purchase some Ziploc snack bags. Break down those family sized bags once you get home from grocery shopping so that when you go to snack you are not reaching your hand in a family sized bag where you can’t control how much you take, rather you are taking an already portioned out sample of what you purchased. This will aid in decreasing food intake.

3. If you know that you binge certain things (such as sweets or salty snacks) decrease how much you have in the house if any at all. This will aid in using other coping skills to assist in emotion regulation rather than turning straight to food as it is not easily accessible in your household.

4. Think before you eat. This may seem like a simple step but it may be one of the hardest. Within this method, you will weigh out the pros and cons of engaging in the binge by separating your logical mind and eating a distorted mind. Your eating distorted mind is telling you that this binge is what you need to feel better or that you already suck so why not just self-sabotage even more? Yet your logical mind knows that if you engage in that behavior you will feel extreme guilt after and have to work twice as hard to get to the point you were at before the binge. You may already have the awareness of the cycle you fall into so bring awareness to that by weighing the pros and cons as that may be helpful to prevent the binge from taking place.

These are some of the many different tactics that are out there to aid in binge eating behaviors. If you feel like you need assistance, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor as they will be able to provide further assistance. Eating disorders are very complex and have many different layers that go into them that are not always easy to break down. Many individuals struggle with their relationship with food, body, and emotion. You are not alone in this battle and can reach out today for assistance. 

Written by: Daniella Raimondi, LPC 

Supporting Teen Mental Health During the Pandemic

How Can I Support My Teen and Their Mental Health During COVID-19?

Raising a teenager can be challenging! Adding a global pandemic into the mix does not help. This post is written to inform and educate parents on how to best support tweens and teens impacted by COVID-19.

Let’s think back to March 2020 - Schools were in session, local businesses were open, and everything felt normal. Spring break was just around the corner and kids of all ages were ecstatic for the week break from school obligations. Little did anyone know that schools would not be returning in session until 2021. 

The pandemic introduced online classrooms, such as Zoom and Google Classroom, which created a completely new experience for not only teens, but for parents too. These children and adolescents were forced into this new situation and had to overcome the impossible. They did this by teaching themselves how to utilize new technology while also being stuck at home away from friends and everyday normal life. These components could have likely caused an increase in anxiety, stress, fear, sadness, and hopelessness because they were unsure when it would come to an end. If these symptoms have not subsided it might be time to seek additional help. 

When to Seek Help

As a parent, it might be challenging to tell the difference between emotions and behaviors that are a normal part of growing up and for those that may cause for a concern. Teenagers may benefit from an evaluation and treatment from a mental health professional if they:

• Are sleeping excessively or not enough

• Have lost interest in favorite activities

• Are spending more time alone

• Are constantly fatigued

• Are having trouble focusing or paying attention

• Are avoiding social activities and friends

• Have body image issues

• Are eating too much or too little

• Having constant worries or fears

• Are engaging in self-harm behaviors

• Are engaging in risky or destructive behavior

• Having thoughts of suicide

How to Communicate with Your Teen About Seeking Help

Noticing new emotions, feelings and behaviors coming from your teen can be tricky to confront. 

They are in the stage of their life where they begin to assert their own independence and are making decisions for themselves. Having a healthy and trusting relationship with your teen is more important than ever. Teenagers may be constantly on their phones or social media, but when it comes to conversations with parents, they may go mute and be uninterested. Three tips that may assist in communicating with your teen:

1. Listen – Getting teens to talk can often be challenging, but sometimes sitting back and listening is an effective way to gain insight. Teens are more likely to open up if they do not feel pressured.

2. Show trust – Show your teen that you have trust in them. Teens want to be taken seriously, especially by parents and other authority figures. One thing you can do is asking your teen for a favor which shows you are putting trust in them.

3. Validate their feelings – Let your teen know you are listening and care by validating their feelings. For example, if your child tells you about a bad day at school, try not to respond with “tomorrow is a new day”, empathize by reflecting back and say saying like, “that does sound like a hard day. Validation will lead teens to trust you and will likely share more things about their lives.

Example of Conversation Between Parent and Teen Regarding Starting Therapy

Parent: “I have noticed you acting and behaving a little differently over the past couple months, could you tell me a little bit more about what’s going on?”

Teen: “I think it started during the lockdown because I was stuck at home, couldn’t see my friends, and was forced to do my homework online”. 

Parent: “I understand that can be really difficult. Is there anything I can help you with?”. 

Teen: “I don’t know… I’ve just been feeling really sad and really anxious at the same time”. 

Parent: “Maybe we can look into you talking to someone about how you have been feeling, what do you think about that?”.

Teen: “Yeah…maybe…I wouldn’t want my friends to know I am doing that though”. 

Parent: “Ok, we don’t have to tell anyone. What if we talked to the family doctor and see if she recommends any specific therapists?”

Teen: “Ok, I guess we can try”.

Parent: “Great, I’ll set up an appointment where you can share with her all the symptoms you have been feeling and she can recommend some places or therapists that she thinks will fit your needs”.  

Choosing a Mental Health Professional 

Choosing a mental health professional might feel a bit daunting, but a good start is by reaching out to your child’s pediatrician or primary care physician for a referral and by sharing with them the behaviors and emotions that you have noticed recently. Once having a referral, check the website and refer to specialties, therapists, and services provided. Therapists usually provide an array of treatment modalities and interventions, but it might be beneficial to look for therapists who have had experience working with teens. 

Get Immediate Help 

If your teen, other children, you, or someone else you know is thinking about wanting to hurt themselves, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline toll-free at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Texting is also an option at the Crisis Text Line (HELLO to 741741) or visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If there is imminent danger dial 911. 

Additional Resource for Parents or Caregivers 

Pandemic Parenting: Free science-based resource including blogs, videos, and podcasts for parents and caregivers navigating the COVID-19 pandemic in ways that are immediately accessible and useful. https://www.pandemic-parent.org

Related Resources 

National Institute of Mental Health. Child and Adolescent mental health. (2021, August 17). https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/child-and-adolescent-mental-health

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health (2021). NIMH Children and Mental Health: Is This Just a Stage? (NIH Publication No. 21-MH-8085). https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/child-and-adolescent-mental-health 

Written by: Danielle Sturm, CMHC Intern 

Setting Boundaries During A Pandemic

One of the most critical aspects of any relationship is setting boundaries. Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that are tools to clarify how we want to be treated and how you want others to behave around you. Boundaries exist in multiple ways, including emotionally, physically, financially, and sexually. The benefits of setting boundaries are endless, including ensuring your needs are met, fewer arguments, reducing resentment, and having the time and energy to partake in self-care behaviors. Setting these boundaries is often challenging to do, and in our current pandemic, it has become more challenging. But, if we fail to set these boundaries, the result is often us feeling mistreated or used, negatively impacting our overall well-being. 

As our everyday routines and patterns have been significantly interrupted by the pandemic, so have our rules and limits we once set. For example, our work boundaries have become blurry as most of us are still working from home and will be doing so for the foreseeable future, which has caused many challenges, such as never detaching from our work. Before the pandemic, we could go to our offices and come home to an environment that was purely for relaxing and enjoyment. Whereas now, our workspace and relaxation space has merged, making it difficult to ‘turn off” either of these modes.  

We also have experienced trying to set boundaries about issues most of us have never dealt with before. For example, we must determine who we are comfortable seeing in person. If we require those, who come into our homes to wear masks. If our children should go to school in person and even if we set a limit on the amount of time, we engage with information that is related to COVID. 

Setting boundaries can take place in three simple steps. First, we must assess and define what our needs are because if we are unsure of what we need, it will be impossible to communicate this to others. It is important to note that our needs include our emotional needs, such as feeling loved, happy, and at peace. When assessing this, it is often useful to think about what boundaries currently exist and how they can be improved or altered. 

After defining what is important to us, we must effectively communicate this to others. To effectively communicate our needs, we must state them in a clear and concise manner, so there is no confusion or misunderstanding. While communicating, we should be thoughtful and calm and be aware of our body language. We should not over explain these boundaries as everyone has the right to determine what they do and what they do not do, and this should be respected.

The last step in setting boundaries is setting consequences. Setting consequences for the violation of these boundaries is one way in which we can pave the path for a positive outcome. By setting consequences, an individual will have a clear understanding of what will happen if they do not respect the boundaries we have made. If you are having difficulty setting boundaries with loved ones during this pandemic, please be sure to reach out to a mental health professional. Therapists at Life Balance Counseling are currently offering telehealth sessions, phone sessions, and in-person sessions with extra precautions. 

By: Mary Collins, LPC, CADC