Being Assertive!

Has there ever been a time where you were afraid to voice how you felt about something because you feared the unknown? Well, you are not alone. Communication is very complex and not being able to predict how a situation will play out causes many people to second guess themselves or shutdown. Within this blog we are going to discuss the different communication styles with a focus on how to be more assertive. Having an assertive communication style will assist in gaining more self-confidence, being able to voice wants/ needs without fear of repercussions, and setting clear boundaries. If that sounds interesting to you, keep reading! 

First we will define the different types of communication styles. 

1. Passive: Individuals who tend to be more passive are ones who do not feel comfortable speaking up. They will brush things under the rug for the sake of not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings or for not wanting to feel like they are a burden. Most of the times, these individuals will continuously let things build up until they reach a breaking point.

2. Aggressive: These individuals will not care about others thoughts and feelings and only put their thoughts and feelings first. At times, these individuals will not let others share their side of a situation as it does not matter to the aggressor.

3. Passive-Aggressive: A mix of the two just described. These individuals will not openly discuss what is wrong but will show they are upset. For example, will give one word answers, will slam doors, roll eyes, etc.

4. Assertive: Individuals who are assertive are able to communicate their side of a situation but also keep an open mind and hear the other person side and come to some type of agreement/ compromise.

You may have displayed all types of communication styles at one point in your life but the most effective one is assertive communication. Within this blog we will discuss different techniques to use to become more assertive. 

The first technique to be more assertive in conversations is to set clear boundaries. Let it be known to the other person what you are okay with and not okay with. At times this can be misconstrued as being “bossy” but if you are putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation for no reason other than not wanting to seem mean, in the end you are only hurting yourself. Setting a clear boundary with someone will not cause a conflict if you describe why you are doing so and do not make your tone condescending. The reason it is important to describe the reasoning behind setting the boundary is for the other person to have a clearer understanding and for you to remind yourself why you are setting the boundary in the first place. At times many people like to drop subtle hints in hope that the other person will catch on but unfortunately that is not always the case. In addition, tone is also something to pay more attention to. Tone is not something we can always be aware of ourselves but if you know you tend to have a certain tone/ attitude when talking, point it out (ex: I am sorry if that sounded snippy, I am just super frustrated by this situation). By pointing out your tone your acknowledging awareness and possibly defusing the other person’s need to become defensive. Below is a dialogue between two co-workers. One dialogue will set a clear boundary the other will not. 

No boundary dialogue: 

Coworker 1: Hey, I am super swamped with work do you think you can you can take on this extra project for me again like you did last week it was a huge help! 

Co-worker 2: (already swamped with own work): I am not sure, I have been pretty swamped myself. 

Co-worker 1: Oh please, you are such a hard worker! I know you can do it. 

Co-worker 2: Ok, yeah sure that is fine. I can do it for you. 

Co-worker 1: Thanks, you are the best! 

Boundary Dialogue: 

Co-worker 1: Hey, I am super swamped with work do you think you can you can take on this extra project for me again like you did last week it was a huge help! 

Co-worker 2: I am so sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed, I can relate.  Unfortunately, I cannot take on another project at this time with the workload I have. 

Co-worker 1: Yeah the workload lately has been causing me so much stress, are you sure you can’t do this project? 

Co-worker 2: Yeah, busy season is in full effect. If you’re feeling overwhelmed perhaps have a conversation with our boss and see if there is something that can be done? I can’t take on another project right now, I value our relationship but I am sorry if I was not helpful in any way. 

Co-worker 1: No, I understand. I will talk to the boss and go from there. Thanks! 

As you can see from the two dialogues above, the first demonstrated an individual who disregarded their own workload because they did not want to disappoint or cause a conflict between them and their co-worker. Whereas, in the second dialogue, the co-worker consistently stated they couldn’t take on another project, stated why, and empathized with how the other individual was feeling. 

Another way to be assertive is to change the verbs you use when making statements to make it more concrete. For instance, instead of saying words like “perhaps”, “might”, or “could” which suggest you may not be as confident in what you are saying you can change it to words such as “will”, “want”, or “chose to.” Below is an example of how changing the verb in the sentence changes the structure/ meaning of the sentence. 

“I might be going on vacation next week, so could someone cover my workload?” vs "I will be going on vacation next week, so I will need someone to cover my workload."

Concrete verb usage suggests more confidence in yourself, which is another way to be more assertive. If you are not confident in what you are asking for, what you are saying, or what you believe then it is difficult to be assertive. Don’t wait for someone to recognize what you need. Take the initiative, set your goals, and go after them. I know at times that can be easier said than done, but if you are constantly putting yourself last how can you get what you want? It is important to note that putting yourself first does not mean that your needs are more important than everyone else’s it means that they are equally important to everyone else. Once you see yourself as an equal rather than less than you will gain the confidence within yourself to communicate your needs more effectively. Most individuals struggle to be assertive in their communication because they may see themselves as less than or feel like they are an imposter in their own environment. We are our own worst critic, therefore it takes extra effort to build ourselves up but it is not impossible. Hype yourself up. Chose to be your own cheerleader and support. You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve to be treated with respect. 

These are just a few tools you can use to get started on your journey of becoming more assertive. If you feel like you struggle to communicate your emotions, opinions, and/or wants to individuals due to lack of self-confidence, fear of conflict, or lack of knowledge of how to set boundaries don’t worry as you are not alone. Counseling is a great tool that can help you build the confidence you need in order to take control of your life. Take the first step today and reach out. 

Written by: Daniella Raimondi, LPC

Training your brain to love your flaws: Using cognitive dissonance to your advantage

If you’ve ever taken a psychology class, the term “cognitive dissonance” might sound familiar. It is the discomfort an individual feels when they believe two concepts, values, or thoughts that directly contradict one another. This discomfort can also be felt if an individual does something that contradicts their own values. For example, if Suzy thinks she is a good person but she made fun of someone, then she might feel some sort of personal mental discomfort, because her action contradicted her belief about herself.

To cope with this sense of discomfort, many of us might try to rationalize our actions so as not to be out of line with how we think of ourselves. For example, Suzy might say that the person she was making fun of was being mean to her earlier, and therefore he “deserved it.” In thinking this way, Suzy might feel better about herself, despite having made fun of him.

It’s really a very interesting concept, if you think about it. Our brain tries to self-correct our own way of thinking so we can get back “in line” with our beliefs if we ever “fall out” of line.

Okay, psychology review/lesson over. Now, how can we use this to our advantage?

Whether you have low self-esteem in general or there’s just one, two, (or a handful) of things you don’t like about yourself, you might have the conscious or unconscious thought: “I really hate my ____.” Perhaps you even think this thought every time you see this feature on yourself, so the message is pretty engrained in your brain. The good news is, we have power to change our thoughts using thought stopping techniques, and thanks to cognitive dissonance, we have the power to change how we feel about things.

Here’s how: Let’s say Suzy has freckles and she hates them. Every day she looks in the mirror and thinks “I really hate my freckles.” One day Suzy wakes up an decides that she doesn’t want to hate her freckles anymore, so she employs some thought stopping techniques—anytime she has a negative thought about her freckles, she says “STOP” out loud, and instead, replaces that thought with a new one: “I really love my freckles.” She does this every day until she no longer has negative thoughts about her freckles, and when she sees them, she continues to think “I really love my freckles.” Eventually, the new thought is the one “burned” in her brain, and the old one is no more.

Right now you might be thinking, “okay, but where does cognitive dissonance come into play?” When Suzy first started the thought stopping and introducing the new thought, her brain had two conflicting messages: “I hate my freckles” and “I really love my freckles.” Because of cognitive dissonance, Suzy’s brain is really scrambling, because it can’t possibly believe the two contradictory thoughts at the same time. When Suzy continues to repeat the message “I really love my freckles” over and over again, her brain has to change its wiring to cope with the uncomfortable feelings it experiences by having the two contradictory thoughts. To put itself back “in line” with the new thoughts it is being bombarded with (“I really love my freckles”), Suzy’s brain starts to have more positive feelings about her freckles.

Perhaps the long explanation sounds confusing and makes the matter more complicated, but the basic message is this: If we introduce a new, positive message in our brain that contradicts an old, negative message we have, with enough repetition our brain will begin to believe the new message.

Be patient with yourself in trying this. Remember that repetition of the new and positive message is key. Eventually your brain will start to adjust to—and accept—the new message, while pushing the old one out. This is because the two conflicting messages can’t both be accepted by your brain at the same time, and your brain will be forced to start agreeing with the message you are repeating every day.

Happy brain rewiring!

By: Lauren Buetikofer, LPC

Coping with Back to School Stress

The time has finally come. Summer is officially over and you are probably in denial that it is time to head back to school. Where did the time go? Did you do everything you said you were going to do over the summer? Do you feel like you made the best use of your time on your days off? These are all questions you may be thinking about when the summer has come to an end.

Heading back to school after being off for a long period of time can present various challenges, thoughts and emotions. Going back to school can be exciting, anxiety provoking and a stressful time for children, teens and parents. Getting back into a scheduled routine can present challenges. Getting up early, prepping lunches, making sure homework is complete on top of doing all of your daily tasks, working and so forth. One recommendation is to use a calendar. Whether it is paper or on your phone, it is essential to get organized and know everyone's schedules and deadlines. Staying organized helps eliminate stress and prevents you from running around like a crazy person trying to get everything ready. Don't be afraid to ask for help from another parent, grandparent or even your children if they are of an appropriate age to help. Most kids can make their own lunches and check to make sure they have their homework and books they need for school.

Take one day at a time. I know, easier said then done. We tend to look at the huge list of things we need to do instead of taking one task at a time. The more we think about all the things we need to do the more stressed and anxious we become. Take each task, focus on it and if those irrational thoughts keep popping in your head that you will "never get all of this done", do thought stopping. Stop the thought in its track and reframe your thought by reminding yourself that you have to get through your current task before you can move on to the next one. Getting overwhelmed and worried that you won't get it all done takes up more time then if you would have started the task in the first place.

Maybe you have figured out your whole scheduling routine and are managing your endless task list. Lets shift the focus to our children and teens and how they are coping with back to school stress. What if you or your child/teen is struggling with the transition beyond the normal transitional time period and is having a difficult time adjusting? Listen to your child. Listen to what they are thinking and feeling and validate their emotions. Acknowledge that going back to school can trigger various emotions of excitement, anxiety, or fear. Empathize with them what they are experiencing and provide support for them during the transition. It is also important to find a solution with your child to help them transition effectively. For example, if your child is struggling with separation anxiety and misses you during the day. Do a craft together that reminds them of you or send your child with a picture and let them know that you are always with them even if not present. As parents we are here to help our children grow and overcome difficult challenges and times in their lives. If you feel like your child is really struggling beyond the transitional time period, is experiencing anxiety that is disrupting their functioning at school or home, have them assessed by a counselor to identify what is going on and what helpful tools and techniques your child can learn to help the adjust smoothly and enjoy their overall school experience.