Time Balance

As a therapist, I’m always surprised and slightly amused anytime someone I know is taken aback by my own human struggles. If I’m stressed, feeling down, or feel out of control, my friends seem amazed that something “like that” could “happen to you,” as if being a therapist means that I am impenetrable to the woes of everyday life. Let me be the first to tell you that I have ups and downs like everyone else, and that while I may have an arsenal of coping skills in my toolbox to help me manage, I am still subject to having problems.

Most recently, I’ve had a run-in with one of my most common hang-ups, which has inspired me to write this post and to share with you all: how to achieve balance in your everyday life.

When I get into something, it’s not unusual for me to get really into it, to the point where it’s all I’ve spent my time on and everything else has fallen by the wayside. Most recently, I’ve gotten into a project that I’ve been having so much fun working on, but it has been all-consuming of my time and energy, and important to-do’s began to take a backseat. It was when my husband offered to do laundry that I realized I needed a reality check, and get myself back on track of my everyday life, chores, and responsibilities.

Below I’ve compiled a list of things to try to restore balance in your life, if you ever find yourself “off kilter.”

1.     Don’t spend too much time on any one thing: again, this is my first and biggest problem. I spend hours working on one thing, which more than likely turns into days, and sometimes even weeks. When you spend so much time doing one thing, other things you normally do aren’t a priority, and then they just don’t get done. My correction? Switch things up. Set a reasonable time limit ahead of time, and stick to it. If I want to work on a project, I’ll set aside one hour to do it, and stop myself at one hour (otherwise six hours go by and I’m still working on it). When your time is up, go do something else, but again, set a time limit for that. If you have hard time staying on track, set a timer or alarm, and stick to it.

2.     Find equality between work and play. You know the saying about how all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? Use your vacation time! Don’t put in more work, time, and energy than you need to, especially if it isn’t being appreciated. If you spent six hours on a free day doing yardwork, balance it out with some time doing something you enjoy- maybe 30 minutes of a favorite TV show, engaging in a favorite hobby, etc. Oppositely, make sure you have some work between your play, too. Don’t spend 10 hours a day playing a video game when you’ve got homework or other responsibilities that also need your attention.

3.     Make goals for yourself. I’m a big proponent of goal setting, even if it’s “what I want to accomplish before the end of the day,” because it gives me direction and something to keep track of throughout the day, so my priorities don’t get away from me. On a bigger level, make a list of things you love doing and make a list of the things you spend your time doing. Adjust accordingly so that more of what you love is what you spend your time doing.

4.     Break away from your attachments. I’m not saying abandon your jobs, family, and friends. If you find yourself overly “attached” to something, take a break from it. If you’re on your phone or social media all the time, take an hour break from it, and focus on something else that has nothing to do with technology or social media. Go for a walk, play with your dog or kids, or get together with a friend.

5.     Know that it’s okay to say “no.” This one can be hard, but if your schedule is overrun with things you have to do for other people and you have no time for yourself, then start saying “no” where you can. “Can you help with this bake sale?” “No. I’m sorry, I’d really love to help but I can’t this time.” Your “no” doesn’t always have to be followed by an excuse, but if you feel like you need to provide your reasoning, keep it short and sweet and don’t feel guilty for prioritizing you and your needs.

6.     Write things down. If you have a hard time staying organized or prioritizing your to-do’s, write them down. It’s so hard to keep track of everything in our head sometimes that certain things fall by the wayside. Writing them down allows us to not have to rely on our memories.

7.     Try new things. If you’re stuck in a rut with your days, look for a new hobby. Join a new social group, or meet up with some old friends. Try a new TV, plant a garden, or volunteer somewhere nearby. If you expose yourself to new opportunity, you might find something new to be excited about.

These are things that I do to restore balance in my life when I feel things are a little too “one sided.” By having a balanced life, you may find yourself happier, to have more energy, and more motivation to get things done. What are some other ways you find balance in your life? Happy Balancing!

By: Lauren Buetikofer,, MA, LPC

The 1-2-3’s (and “4”) of Thought Stopping: How to Stop Your Negative Thoughts from Snowballing

If you’re like most people, you probably find yourself on the occasional “hamster wheel” of negative or unhelpful thoughts; that is, the thoughts just keep going around and around and around and around until you’re so dizzy and exhausted that you just about fall down from thinking about it. Even worse: your thoughts snowball. It start off as a small, somewhat negative or unhelpful passing thought, but then it gets a little bigger, occupies a little bit more of your mental energy and time, and continues to grow until it’s all consuming, self-defeating, and downright exhausting.

Many of my clients relay to me this all-too-common cycle of thinking and how it almost inevitably ends in a panic attack, a sleepless night, or an unproductive day filled with nothing but worry. When I hear this, my first line of defense is always Thought Stopping.

As you can probably gather from the name, the act of Thought Stopping is exactly that: putting a stop to all those unhelpful, negative thoughts. As with anything, it’s easier said than done, but with enough practice and consistently applied application, you’ll be well on your way to getting off your own hamster wheel.

Step One: Catch the negative thought. Okay, this seems really obvious, but it needs to be said. Throughout a day we all have thousands of thoughts, whether we are aware of them or not. No, I’m not about to go off on a long and drawn out Freudian “unconscious thought” tangent, but the statement is worth exploring. How long into your negative thought cycle are you until you realize you’re back on the hamster wheel? For some people, this step is easy. If it is, high-five to you and move onto the next step.

 If it isn’t, try keeping a simple “thought log.” You can practice this in five-minute increments, or you can track your thoughts throughout the day. For instance, take 5 minutes out of your day to write down every thought you have in a time span of five minutes. It can be as simple as “I’m hungry” or “I’m thinking about this activity” to as deep and complex as “I’m not really sure what I’m doing with my life.” This five-minute kick-starter activity will help you to become more aware of the thoughts you have, and will hopefully help you to identify your negative thoughts as they crop up.

To track your thoughts throughout the day, keep a sheet of paper or a little notebook with you, and jot notes on your thoughts anytime you’re aware of any thoughts you have. Again, they can either be profound or simple. This act of acknowledging your thoughts and taking note of them will bring awareness to the thoughts you have throughout the day, and will increase your likelihood of catching your negative thoughts before they snowball.

Step Two: Stop the negative thought. I must be joking, right? Seriously though, we need to cut that sucker off until it snowballs into something unmanageable, right? There’s a number of ways to go about cutting off your thoughts in their tracks. Whenever I teach this to my client, I always make the “chopping” gesture with my hands (you know the one- left hand flat, palm up, and parallel to the floor, right hand perpendicular to the left and comes down the middle of the left in a sort of “chopping” fashion), and I’ve done this so much so that now any time I think of thought stopping I automatically think of that gesture. For me, I might either think of that gesture or actually do the gesture if I wanted to stop a negative thought. When I teach this method to kids, I tell them to think of a huge red stop sign- one so big that they can’t see anything else. Some people like to say “STOP” out loud or in their head… anything to distract your mind from continuing down the path of your negative thought.

Step Three: Challenge the negative thought. In most cases—not all, but most—our negative thoughts are irrational, unhelpful, and biased toward one side of the argument. In this third step I challenge my clients to think of the evidence that doesn’t support their negative thought. For example, if a client tells me they feel like they don’t have a support system, I’ll ask them to challenge that thought and find that evidence that the thought isn’t true. When they think about it, they might say, “Well, I do have my one friend who says she's always there if I need her, but I’ve never actually tried leaning on her for support when I need it.” If they continue thinking on the matter, they might also add something to the effect of “my co-workers are always asking how I’m doing, but I never actually open up to them.” Okay, good. Now we’re getting somewhere. In most cases, there’s some counter-evidence to our irrational, negative thoughts, and we just need to dig a little deeper to find it. Keep pulling up evidence that negates your negative thought until you don’t feel its effects anymore. Once we acknowledge the counter-evidence and “let it marinade,” then suddenly our original, negative thoughts don’t have much ground to stand on.

Step Four: Change the thought and move on. This is the point that you jump off your hamster wheel. In step three, we’ve put the negative thought to rest by knocking down some of its validity. At this point, it’s time to move on. Think of something else unrelated. Think of something happier, more helpful.

If the thought crops up again, repeat the steps until it’s laid to rest yet again. Thought stopping isn’t always perfect, and it certainly isn’t a “once-and-done” sort of deal. It takes practice and persistence. The more you do it, the more likely you are to find it to be a successful tool to add to your box of coping mechanisms. Give it a few weeks and see if it’s a good tool for you. Good luck!

If you have questions about thought stopping, application of this skill in your life, or to schedule an appointment to explore more useful coping mechanisms to help you manage, please don’t hesitate to contact me at lauren@lbcounseling.com

Written by: Lauren Buetikofer, MA, LPC

Navigating Trust Issues In Your Relationship

Trust is defined as a "belief in the reliability, ability, truth or strength of someone". Trust is the foundation in any relationship, whether its with friends, family or a significant other. When both of you understand and trust each other completely, it helps to eliminate any insecurities and future trust challenges that may come up in your relationship future. Trust can be difficult in any relationship to establish and more challenging when a partner has experienced trust issues in the past. Some of the reasons a partner may have trust issues is that you think your partner lies or you have caught them lying before. You may have trust issues if your partner has a history of cheating in their previous relationships, your partner is secretive, your partner flirts with others, your partner gets angry when you invade their private space, or you have been betrayed in the past.

Open communication is a helpful tool to help your partner understand what your thoughts and feelings are towards trust in a relationship. It is important to be open and honest so that if issues arise you will both know how to cope with them. Don't feel ashamed to share your concerns with your partner. How can you help your partner overcome their trust issues? Be open to discussing each others concerns with one another. Talk about what your daily lives look like and don't get caught up in lies because you think you are helping your partner if they don't know where you are going out to or with whom you are going out with. Your partner may not be happy with the truth but it can help you two work through each other's fears. It is also important to show your partner that you care and that you are there to support one another through these challenges. If one partner has struggled with trust in the past, they are going to need to feel reassured that you are not going to betray them. This process takes time, be patient!

How to get over your own trust issues? Getting over your own trust issues can be difficult. You may think, "why will this relationship be any different then the ones I had in the past". Maybe you wholeheartedly trusted your previous partner and they betrayed you. What you need to realize is that your current partner is a different person. You can't compare your partner to your previous partner, that is just not fair. One helpful tool is to think from your partner's perspective. What would you do if you were in their position? How can they help you gain trust? Ask your partner to help you by communicating with them your thoughts and feelings, even if they are irrational. Be open and talk to your partner, that is the only way you will work through your trust issues. When we withhold our thoughts and feelings we are sweeping it under the rug which can lead to anger, sadness, and resentment. Most importantly, be patient with one another and work towards the common goal of creating a trust foundation for your relationship. 

All of us are unique and have different needs. It is important in any relationship to be able to identify our individual needs are and be open in communicating them to your partner. People aren't psychic and don't just know what you need. Tell your partner what you need! The idea of a perfect relationship doesn't exist. Relationships take work and each partner needs to be willing to put in that work to have a successful relationship. 

 

Coping with Holiday Stress

The holiday season is characteristically a time of joy, peace, and a time to gather with friends and family. Although this time of year is filled with happiness, it can also be a time of stress and sadness. You may feel overwhelmed with planning get togethers, scheduling time with friends and family, and finding the perfect gifts, all while managing your normal schedule. This can lead to feelings of irritability, sadness, anxiety and anger. It is important to identify what your expectations are for yourself and family during the holiday season. Are your expectations realistic? 

What can you do to help yourself cope with your stress during the holidays?

Schedule time with friends and family in advance so that you are aware of how to plan each day. Shop early and ask friends and family what they want for presents so that everything is ready and you aren't running around last minute. Manage your time: set priorities and let go of impossible goals that are unrealistic. Ask others to help out if you are feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes we just can't do it all. Don't feel inadequate if you can't do it all.

Maybe you are experiencing the holiday blues, which can be challenging and difficult to understand. You may expect yourself to feel happy all of the time and if you don't you may feel disappointed. Maybe you expect the holidays to be just as they were when you were a child. As we grow up, things change and it is important to find new value in the holidays. Practice mindfulness of being present in the moment and enjoy your time with friends and family. So often we just go through the motions and are thinking about your next gathering or things that you need to get ready and you forget to embrace the people you are with at that time. Practice gratitude: identify and remind yourself of all of the things you are thankful for. Sometimes when we are stressed or overwhelmed we forget all of the good things in our lives. If you are starting to feel depressed or lonely, volunteer at a local church or organization to give back to those that are in need and help you feel connected to others. 

Most importantly, as we all know, the holiday temptations of delicious family recipes can be overwhelming in itself. Try to limit overindulgences and maintain healthy eating and exercise routines to help you cope with stress, sadness and anxiety. Make sure that you make time for yourself and give yourself a break. Sometimes we just need to a take a time out to prevent burnout and reboot ourselves so that we are our best self. The holidays are a wonderful time and learning ways to cope with stress can help you enjoy this special time of year.